Out of my tree

So Hey, My name is Sandy(not really, I can't give you my real name because of the need to proctect the innocent, or not so inncocent). This is Rebecca in the picture(really). Anyway, my purpose in writing this blog is to hopefully give me a place to vent and to help me stay in touch with what really matters. See, i openned this women's recovery/transitional living home a few months back. God is so faithful because it (this home) has actually put me in many ways on the "hot seat" in my relationship with God. I don't always want to look at my true self :( But hey we all know that's how we grow and it's needless to say very humbling. I had wanted to do this recovery home for quite some time. With lots begging and surrendering then begging (i do that surrender take it back surrender take it back) Anyway, my husband agree to us purchasing this home. It's a little home, two bedrooms, one bath. I srubbed and plainted this place from head to toe. Or let's say roof to floor. It was very, very filthly. I want you to admire my work(no codependency here). Anyway, the first woman in was Rebecca. I think about Rebecca just about every day. She continues to bless me. Rebecca was newly separated from her spouse and her divorce would be final in about 30 days. She was so sweet and she allowed me into her life. At times i really thought that she was doing well. She attended church with me and 12 meetings. During her stay i was open and she knew that i too had struggles. One night we attended a Christian 12 step meeting. I can't even tell you why I was crying at that meeting today but i was crying. Anyway, after the meeting i was talking to another woman( who has helped me termendously).Anyway, Rebecca walked up to me as i was sitting there and kissed me on the cheek and said "I'll see ya tomarrow". Through Soak stained racoon eyes i said"ok". Anyway, i left the meeting and later thought "am i Disclosing too much in this meeting?"Does Rebecca see me as too "sick" to help her. Random ego thoughts, after all it is all about me and my look good. Again, ego thoughts)Rebecca called me the next day and left a message on my phone. She stated she was going to go to spend the night at a friends house who was support person. Her message sounded upbeat I called her back but only got her voice mail. I stated that would be fine as long as that person didn't drink or use and if they did that she would need to call me back. She never called me back. So i summed this up as she's with someone who's clean/sober. I went to the home the next day and found Rebecca dead in her bed. I felt and still feel some guilt today. Questions like "why didn't i just go over there?" "If you weren't so stuck in your own garbage you could of been there for her""Gee, God i thought you wanted me to do this". I have had some wonderful individuals that have hung in there with me and work with me to get through all the emotional pain of dealing with someones sucide. Thank you!!!!!Did i think that this home would save individuals?? Am i thier savior?? Am i really out to help or is it about my ego?? I still bounce back an forth in my ego today. When im in a right relationship with God and allow him to flow through me im ok. But look out!! my "self " does get in the way. You know i can say im not responsible for Rebecca's death today. I loved her and i did give her, at times, "the best of me". Can i give someone the best of me all the time? No, Im only human and God in his grace and mercy gets me through the day. God's peace to you all, thanks again my family and friends